Research your shirt.

Loss:

• Historical knowledge: 3/10 (down from 4/10)

I thrust myself into an ideological warzone at the Victoria Markets with this tee shirt today.

AWARD school

Gains:

• Finishing projects: 5/10 (up from 4)
• Being busy: 9/10 (up from 7)
• Being good at art/cool graphics: 6/10 (up from 3)

Losses:

• Being punctual: 2/10 (down from 4)
• Having lots of friends: 7/10 (down from 8)

It was 3am on a Thursday morning. My final submission for AWARD school was due at 5pm.

I was tracing Slipknot logos from an iPhone and wading back and forth through an ankle deep pile of screwed up tracing paper, red bull cans and beer bottles to mutter at a malfunctioning scanner.

Product: Foxtel Parental lock
Single-minded proposition: Make sure your kids aren’t watching programs that they shouldn’t.

Product: Australia Post / Paid Postage
Single-minded proposition: Encourage people to send more mail

For three months I’d pulled late nights, spent lunch breaks buried in my notepad and woke up at 4am stressing about ads. After pumping out forty ads every week it was time to submit my final eleven for scrutiny by advertising gurus. It was better than five years of university combined.

While things had gone really well up until that point – things weren’t going well now. The power went out for three hours. The internet died for six hours. The temperamental wi-fi scanner said FUCK YOU.

In one form or another I managed to scan, lay out, delete, trace, screw up and reboot the entire night and it was great. I even had a practice print of my three quarter finished folio at Officeworks to confirm things were on track. Because I’m such an organized guy.

Product: North Face clothing
Single-minded proposition: Explore more of the world with North Face gear.
(Digital ad)

Product: Sony 20 gig USB stick
Single-minded proposition: Now you can carry more data

Things went off track around thirteen hours later, as I stood delirious in the Officeworks printing line fumbling for a USB stick that was still at home. The terrain was definitely getting wild at 4:30pm as I returned to the Officeworks printing line WITH A LAPTOP THAT WOULD JUST NOT TURN ON.

I dumped my car at Officeworks and stuffed all my work into plastic sleeves in the cab, before sprinting the wrong direction down Bourke street at 5:15pm – clutching a folio full of work that I’d forgotten to write my name on.

Anyway despite my last minute idiocy, AWARD school is really one of the best things I’ve done. From now on I’m going to be the most punctual man alive and much less of a dickhead.

Product: Google +
Single-minded proposition: Share the right information with the right people.
(Radio ad)

Product: You decide (I chose McCain Brussel Sprouts)
Single-minded proposition: Brussell sprouts are a healthier way of disciplining your child.

Product: You decide (I chose McCain Brussel Sprouts)
Single-minded proposition: Brussel sprouts are a healthier way of disciplining your child.

Product: You decide (I chose McCain Brussel Sprouts)
Single-minded proposition: Brussell sprouts are a healthier way of disciplining your child.

Product: Sony 20 gig USB stick
Single-minded proposition: Now you can carry more data

Product: Dyson Vacuum cleaners
Single-minded proposition: Difficult places are easier to clean with a Dyson
(Outdoor ad – this is a tram stop)

Product: Sydney Ferries
Single-minded proposition: Free wifi is now available on every Sydney Ferry

Special mentions:

• Having a great girlfriend that helps you draw heaps of stuff: 10,000/10

Back soon.

I’m going to AWARD school and don’t have time anything else.

The Stiffys are going on tour.

• Playing gigs to lots of people: 8/10 (up from 6/10)
• Being well travelled: 4/10 (up from 2/10)
• Being the first to do something: 8/10 (up from 5/10)
• Success in the music world: 4/10 (up from 3/10)
• Being busy: 9/10 (up from 7/10).

The Stiffys are going on a national tour, supporting the Beards to launch their third studio album – Having a Beard is the New Not Having a Beard.

The Beards sing exclusively about Beards – how good it is to have beards, how shit people are that don’t have beards and also how good it is to have beards.

We first properly met them after a show together at the Northcote Social Club. They busted us in their band room trying to steal their rider, and our friendship has blossomed since.

We never expected the erection rock scene to sustain us for more than two shows and we’re incredibly lucky to have fallen in with the biggest like-minded band in the country.

Yes I know – this is really, really funny.

Please come to the shows, say hi and drink a dangerous amount of beer with us.

10/03/2012        Fly By Night – Fremantle w/The Beards
11/03/2012        Indie Bar – Scarborough Beach (Perth) w/The Beards
16/03/2012        The Corner Hotel – Melbourne w/Barbarion & The Beards
17/03/2012        Bended Elbow – Geelong w/The Toot Toot Toots & The Beards
23/03/2012        Royal Oaks Hotel – Launceston w/ Enola Fall & The Beards
24/03/2012        Republic Bar – Hobart w/ Enola Fall & The Beards
30/03/2012        The Zoo – Brisbane w/The Good Ship & The Beards
31/03/2012        SolBar – Maroochydore w/ Mojo Juju & The Beards
13/04/2012        Adelaide Uni Bar w/The Beards

18/04/2012      The Great Northern - Newcastle w/Mojo Juju & The Beards

19/04/2012        ANU Uni Bar - Canberra w/Fun Machine, The Crooked Fiddle                       Band & The Beards

20/04/2012        Manning Bar at Sydney Uni w/Mojo Juju, The Crooked Fiddle                       Band, Man Choir & The Beards

Ruining everyone’s lives at the Aldi supermarket.

• Being organised: 5/10 (down from 6/10)
• Liquor cabinet: 4/10 (up from 0/10)

Aldi supermarkets are hilarious. They’re German precision meets not giving a fuck and I am super into it.

Pallets of eerily familiar budget products are wheeled out for us to scoop and heave into our coin operated trolleys. There are items to bamboozle the most cavalier of thriftsters, like home brand power tools, white goods, jumbo televisions, children’s camping sets, musical instruments and lookalike iPads for next to nothing.

I discovered Aldi in uni because they sold $24 slabs (one dollar beers = YES PLEASE) and recently rediscovered it – again thanks to beer. A slab of 500ml Karlskrone Lager cans costs $40, the same price as VB but with eight extra cans.

Ridiculous posters

• Writing witty stuff on toilet doors: 9/10 (up from 7/10)
• Being good at art/cool graphics: 5/10 (up from 3/10)

I’ve been sticking these bad boys up for a while now and collecting the recordings from my answering machine.

There’s probably about 200 spread across power poles, phone boxes, rehearsal studios and bars in Fitzroy, Collingwood, Geelong and Brunswick. I put up mainly dolphin posters in Geelong and they went nuts, but I accidentally wiped all the recordings. I’ve been getting a LOT of hangups.

Some people get really into it and I think that’s really great.

Smooth talking the Meredith ballot

• Negotiating sweet deals: 7/10 (up from 6/10)
• Being organised: 6/10 (down from 7/10)

8:05am, August 25.

Me:

Oh no! I just got back to the internet to find the window closed last night! Pleaaaaaase can I buy my tickets today? I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again. I have an amazing excuse available on request.

8:34am, August 25.

‘Aunty Meredith’:

Hi Jason I’m curious about your excuse…?? Lots of love, Aunty xx

6:47pm, August 25.

Me:

THANK YOU. It’s a funny story actually. You see, I’m a fairly quiet guy that really enjoys reading. A lover not a fighter. But on the way to work this morning I was ACCOSTED BY BULLIES. I didn’t know what to do so I hid out in a bookstore for a while – just to keep safe. The owner of the store wasn’t too happy about me interrupting him and he got super-weirded out when I asked to have a look at an old book that was sitting on the table. Anyways he left the room to go and do something, leaving me alone with the book. Bad move, because as I said earlier – I JUST LOVE BOOKS. I just grabbed it and ran to work.